i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
