No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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