My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
