I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
