cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize