I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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