If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize