we're blogging at a bar
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
