So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
