When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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