today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
