Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
