He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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