she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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