God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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