her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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