Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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