Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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