I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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