I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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