You made me cry and you don't even care
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
