I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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