Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
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