Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
