3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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