Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
