He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
