someone threw a dead crab at me
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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