I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
