I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
