I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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