sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
