I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize