So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
That accounts for only three of the penises
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
