Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
