this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
