The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
