Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I deserve this hangover.
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