beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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