I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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