So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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