i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
