We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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