You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Pooping to opera.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
