Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
