I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
