when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
