just tell him i said nine months
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
