Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
