My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
