The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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