I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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