I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
