Duck Duck Cougar?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
