Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
