Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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