Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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