I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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