Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
